She Stands Tall

She stands tall, gracious and dignified

She is flexible, swaying slightly with life’s breezes

But her roots are unquestionably planted deep

They tell a story, rich with history and filled with life’s mysteries

She is full of life, the center to all that surround her

She provides to the cycle of life and yet does not request in return

She is the work of something greater than mankind

Not only does she survive the storms, but her beauty manifests from it

With very little, she stands the test of time and is a window to the seasons of life

And yet, with all her strength and beauty and her mighty presence, she is completely powerless to the hands of anyone unappreciative of her

She is a Tree

If only she could form wings

Or indestructible armor

If only she could make a chainsaw disappear

Or bring the man holding it to his knees with guilt

If only she could widen eyes blinded

To see the canvas she has painted for them, rich with vibrant colors that extend out like rays of the sun

Reaching to touch their hearts and fill their spirits with joy and tranquility

If only she could, but,

She is a Tree

 

I wrote this poem after a particular director of our homeowners association ordered the landscaping company in our community to chop down beautiful, mature trees that lined the green hills to my home.  I have such an affinity and respect for nature as I feel it magically holds the essence of peace and tranquility. It pained me greatly to know that others had such careless disregard for the beautiful gifts this world holds for us.  It saddened me even more to know that there are people whose meaningless priorities have robbed them from the simple pleasures of life.

From time to time I would sit under that tree with my two large Chow Chow dogs. I would breathe in the fresh air and close my eyes to heighten the sensation of the cool breeze caressing my skin. With my eyes closed, I felt secure under this tree as it shaded me from the sun while the amazing blessings in my life rushed through my mind. It would feel so serene.

I couldn't help but think of the foreign business partners that came to California for the first time when visiting my husband on business. My husband had hosted their visit, taking them to every scenic place he could think of. He described to me the wonderment in their expression when he took them to see the ocean. They had never seen the ocean before and they were mesmerized by the beauty. They were envious of such things we completely take for granted, such as our weather and the fresh air, being that they came from a place where sewer smells are something you become accustomed to as you do with snow and temperatures below zero. He said they had tears in their eyes when they left.

If I could stop myself several times a day I could just close my eyes and feel the amazement of how lucky I am to live where I do. I don't necessarily need to be sitting under that beautiful tree to have those wonderful feelings. But I must say, sitting under that tree I learned to enjoy the beauty that surrounds me. Nature can provide so much healing and peace. We are a part of nature as it is a part of us. We are connected to it, whether we know it or not. Nature and many things derived from it often heal and protect us. In turn, it would be nice if we could return the favor.

The Decision Has Been Made!

The Decision Has Been Made!

My husband once was frustrated with me for procrastinating in making an important decision. He told me “By not making a decision, the decision has already been made”.  My husband is an extremely intelligent man but somehow I hadn’t expected him to say something so enlightening. He is a very logical person and when I take a step back to look at his ways, I see that his decision making process is quite different than mine. His always comes from a place of logic, mine without exception, from a place of emotion. And when I find myself in a situation where I must make a decision that does not make me emotionally happy, I tend to pretend that I will make a decision. I actually do a very good job of pretending, in fact I pretend so well that I even believe myself. I procrastinate and contrive great reasons for putting off my decision until unfortunately it’s too late and my choices have been taken away. It’s like saving milk in the refrigerator…the carton looks good so you ignore the expiration date but there is no mistaking expired milk, sour and disgusting. That’s when you know, time’s up! You had your chance to make a choice and now those choices have been taken away and what’s left could be quite undesirable.

Given this knowledge one might think that I would be much more gung-ho in the opportunity to finalize decisions, but the truth is, I think I am often paralyzed by the fear of making a regrettable mistake. I am just now coming to terms with the fact that the purpose of life is to make mistakes. How else can we learn? How else can we progress? How else can we appreciate when everything does go “right” (whatever “right” is!)? I’m just going to have to throw away the notion that a mistake made is something to regret. And I will have to blindfold my ego when making choices because she has a way of bullying me into falsely believing that mistakes are simply an insult to me and to her.

They say women eventually become like their mothers and guess what? My mother doesn’t like making decisions either.   She tenses up even at the thought of deciding to use yellow versus spicy mustard on a hotdog so I guess they weren’t kidding when they said the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree! Sorry mom, I will go into your wonderful attributes later but I promised myself and others to keep my writing honest and authentic.

Freeze, Command, Choose, Walk. These are the four words now that I use when faced with a decision. If there is a decision you need to make that has been looming over your head like a dark cloud, give this a try. It just might help …

Freeze! Stop where you are and realize that you must make a decision. Understand clearly that if you don’t make a decision you are in reality deciding to not make a choice, and therefore, a choice will be made for you.

Command yourself to go through a logical process of making a choice. I like the word command because it reminds me that I am taking control and not allowing choices to slip through my fingers. Imagine choice A happening versus choice B (and possibly other choices). Imagine the results and consequences of those choices, weigh them against each other and make a conscious note of which is right for you.         

In my husband’s case he would probably choose the option that makes the most sense and I would probably make the choice that makes me feel happier. And by the way, don’t ignore that strange feeling that is gnawing on you like a dog does on his bone. That feeling is called Instinct. It is an especially amazing gift that will always lead you in the right direction once you know how to truly listen to it.

Choose your option. Say it out loud. I am choosing to… xyz. This will make your choice clear and concise.

Walk forward and do not look back. You have made your choice, go with it and trust in yourself. What is so important here is to tell yourself it is going to be ok. If consequences slowly present themselves as not being in line with what you had intended, you can always consciously choose to make another choice! There it is, the beauty of it all, YOU are the one in control. And if you feel you made a mistake, then you have to forgive yourself because you made the best decision you could with the information at hand.

Whenever I slip back into that fearful mode, I remind myself that I rather take the bulls by the horn rather than the bull shoving his horns up my….well you know what I mean! I am making light of all of this but sometimes it isn’t funny at all. Some decisions are so difficult to make because many different factors have to be taken into account and many people may be affected by the results. But the cold hard truth of the matter is there is a difference between choosing to take your time in making a decision and pretending like you have valid reasons for not making a choice. 

Life is just a constant series of choices presented. Think about it, from the second you wake up until the moment you lay your head on the pillow, how many decisions did you have to make? It is constant, from simple choices with insignificant consequences to huge choices that can be life altering. If we have to go through life fearing making choices, fearing making mistakes and fearing regret then life will be a lot more stressful than it already is. Sometimes life takes charge and makes choices for us, in an instant, like when tragedy hits. A college friend of mine was recently tragically killed in a car accident. Although I was not very close to him, I think of him now quite often. His journey ending so hastily is a constant reminder of time fleeting. I don’t want to waste my brief time here fearing my choices. I want to charge forward in life, enjoying my journey, believing in myself and growing as a person. And if I am going to have to make mistakes along the way for that to happen then so be it! Whatever I feel may have been a “bad” choice will only be a tattoo of strength and courage I will wear with pride. Besides, what really is a “bad” choice anyways?  One of my favorite quotes is by William Shakespeare, “There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so”.

Do Not Stop, For Emergencies Only

Do Not Stop, For Emergencies Only

When I drove by this traffic sign this morning, I could not help but think that this describes the mentality of most women I know today: Do Not Stop, For Emergencies Only. Could it very possibly be the subconscious mantra of today's American woman? If you are a man reading this don't get discouraged, if you continue reading you will either get a good laugh at our expense or you may actually learn something about the species you find so desirable and intolerable at the same time.

Women can't seem to put on the brakes lately, or even cruise in neutral for that matter! The general mentality of American women today is GO, GO, GO! There is always so much we need to do. Which, by the way I challenge you to review and compare the definitions of these two words, then, revisit that "to-do" list of yours and clarify which ones you need to do versus which ones you want to do!  AND with all that "needs" to be done, we need to be perfect at it all! We need to be the perfect mothers to our children, the perfect employee or business owner, the perfect wife, girlfriend, lover, friend, the perfect children to our parents. If we stop, I'm sure most of us women feel the world will end as we know it, because who is going to pick up the slack? I'm biting my tongue here in case testosterone is flowing through my reader but I think a woman would know where I'm going with this! And no, I am not PMS'ing...why is it that every time a woman offers an opinion that a man doesn't like he asks if she is PMS'ing?!!

We are attempting to bulldoze through life lately, continuously marching on through raising children in a confusing society, maintaining healthy relationships while everyone is earning emotional baggage by the minute, and taking care of aging parents during a time when we ourselves are being stretched physically and emotionally in so many directions. We have to constantly be progressing in our careers or making money through entrepreneurial channels to maintain our independence, significance and livelihood. And all the while, don't forget, we need to stay healthy, fit and attractive because as a woman we are still initially judged by our looks. Well, in reality, I will be the first to admit that we judge ourselves more than anyone else does.

If all this wasn't enough, our expectations are monumental in being eager to constantly improve ourselves spiritually, mentally and physically. Woman typically are harder on themselves than anyone else would be. Is it not frequently that you hear a woman say things like "I need to lose weight,  I need to spend more quality time with my children, I need to be more desirable to my husband, I need to keep the house cleaner, I need to make more money"? If you are a man, you may not hear a woman actually say this but instead you may see her act grouchy, lash out for the tiniest thing or she may criticize you. The truth is women sometimes act intolerable to mask feelings of inadequacy and hurt that we impose upon ourselves.

So I am going to give away my age here, (but I was young...very VERY young!!), when a TV commercial for a perfume called Enjolie came out. The tune to that commercial to this day still rings in my ears when I am embraced with the "I can do it all!" feeling. The lyrics went like this:

I can put the wash on the line,

Feed the kids, get dressed,

pass out the kisses

and get to work by five to nine.

I can bring home the bacon,

fry it up in a pan

and never, never, never let you forget your a man.......cause I'm a woman.....Enjoli.

I think those lyrics sum it all up, wouldn't you say? What is it that makes women in today's society feel they NEED to do everything and do it PERFECTLY? What are we trying to prove?! Would we ever be so harsh on anyone as we are to ourselves? There will be no time to breath, you can not stop, unless there is an emergency. And that emergency amounts to being physically worn down. That is the point where your body shuts down and is pretty much yelling at you saying "Hey lady! Enough is enough already!! Slow the $%# down!"

I smirk at myself as I write this and glance over to a notepad where I had jotted down a list of things I think I should be doing to improve my life as I was feeling very disappointed in myself for my recent lack of follow through. Ironically it is titled "Being Perfect"! Apparently I am no different. Is it not in flaws and imperfections that beauty is found? Oh oh, that 21st century voice in my head just shouted in response "Not in this world, Sista!!"...and somehow I think she did a three-snaps up in z-formation while she said that!

Maybe it is just in a woman's nature to be this way. We were created with an inherent desire and ability to nurture, to take care of those around us. Inherently for men, this is precisely one of the characteristics that draws them to women. And if a man has one up on all his buddies, he knows that a way to a woman's heart is to nurture and take care of her. I don't care how big of a feminist you are, deep down inside there is a warmth that fills the female soul when she feels she is appreciated for all that she does, that she is desired, that she is loved and that she is cared for.

Elizabeth Gould Davis was quoted to say: "To the "feminist" of both sexes, femininity is synonymous with the eternal female principle, connoting strength, integrity, wisdom, justice, dependability, and a psychic power foreign and therefore dangerous to the plodding masculists of both sexes."

For every woman (and man) who dedicates their life to adhering to these principles, I applaud you. In the same breath, I would like to say that I think we all need to be reminded to forgive ourselves for not being perfect once in a while. Maybe we could forgive ourselves for sending our child off to school with a tiny stain on their shirt for one day. What is more important is that they feel loved and protected. Maybe we can forgive oursleves for earning those pesty fine lines around our eyes. Instead maybe we could praise ourselves in the mirror in gratitude of being in this world for another day.  Maybe we can excuse ourselves for being too tired when our other half was very indiscreetly fantasizing that we were his favorite Victoria Secret model. What's more important is that on the toughest days you and your better half can still find ways to laugh together.

All I'm saying is....Don't wait for the emergency, it's ok to stop once in a while.