When I was in the seventh grade, my PE teacher assumed since
I didn’t show much enthusiasm for any of the sports we had played all season,
that I had no talent when it came to any physical sport or activity. At the
tail end of the year, once we had completed basketball, volleyball, soccer and
flag football we had a short course in dance. I never dedicated any patience to
learning the physical sports we had played that season and apparently I did not
have an inherent talent for any of them. So when it came to dance, my PE
teacher decided based upon her assumptions, that I should perform in the back
of the group where I would barely be seen. For every sport we played, we were given a
month for practice before we played a final championship game. However, for
dance, we had only one week to practice a choreographed routine that we were to
perform at an annual show where all parents would be invited.
My PE teacher was built with an athletic body; she was tall,
muscular and had over sized strong hands. She was rough, tough and didn’t hold
an ounce of grace so my theory is she didn’t like dance because she probably
couldn’t dance worth shit. And so she stood at the front of the room moving
about like an awkward chicken trying to teach us the choreography. One week had
hardly been enough time to learn the steps and remember them, but for me, the
moves almost seemed predictable given the beat of the music.
The evening of the ceremony arrived all too soon and I
remember my PE teacher’s face turning beet red when the music began and no two
of her dancers were in harmony. Not one of the girls remembered the steps and their
facial expressions were plagued with humiliation as they moved about clumsily. I
was in my own little world in the back of that room where I may as well have
closed my eyes and pretended to be the star dancer in a famous Broadway show.
With every beat of the music my body swayed on cue and I felt completely
present in the moment. That was until my stupid PE teacher screeched in panic, hollering
to me “Get in the front, get in the front!!” I scurried to the front of the line
as the other girls succumbed to moving behind me as I took the lead. My overly
anxious teacher seemed to find some relief as she instructed the girls behind
me “follow her moves, just keep your eyes on her!” Before I knew it I was
leading the whole team. It was me, the one
who throughout the school year had held the demeaning role of the girl waiting
on the sidelines to be chosen on a team, was now their leader. My PE teacher, the girls… their dignity was all
at my mercy. And it felt damn good!
My PE teacher looked at me in awe, shocked in realizing that
I had a talent for dance. She had that look on her face that said “hmph, who
knew?!” She had done herself an injustice
by making an assumption and judging me without giving me a proper chance. As a
seventh grader I hated my PE teacher because she made me feel like I deserved
to be the last one chosen on a team, like I deserved to dance in the back of the room when I didn’t. I’ll
admit I still dislike that teacher because she played a role in making a
difficult phase of life more difficult for me.
At a time when I, like most other 12 year olds, was forming opinions
about myself, this woman had the opportunity to motivate and inspire me in
being open to learning new things, to practice more and to become acquainted
with my own natural talents. Instead she caged me within the confines of her
own ignorance. The respect I held for teachers backfired on me as I allowed her
assumptions to mold judgments placed upon me, judgments that I subconsciously
was adopting for myself. I am proud that
at the end of the school year I was able to prove her wrong and I would hope
that through that experience she learned her lesson about making assumptions,
but I know she probably didn’t.
Will any of us ever learn our lesson when it comes to making
assumptions? We do it all day and night long. With every breath you take, you
assume the next breath will come. The greatest irony lies in that most of us
have not learned to recognize the influential moment our mind has made an
assumption and we remain unaware of its powerful force.
Expecting a specific consequence from a particular action is
a learned response over time. It is with humans as it is with animals. I found
a particular test scientists did on mice very interesting. The mice were caged
and cheese was placed outside their cage. Once their trap door was opened, they
would run for the cheese but were stopped in their tracks by a small current of
electricity. This test was repeated over and over for several weeks. At some
point the scientists stopped the electrical current but the mice no longer ran
for the cheese when their trap door was opened. They would remain in their cage
for fear of being shocked.
Most people, just like these mice, are conditioned to accept
that several repeated failures make future failures highly probable. However, a
distinguishing characteristic of successful people is that they do not allow
their mind to make such an assumption. Thomas Edison reportedly made 10,000
attempts before he invented the light bulb. In an interview before he reached
success he was quoted to say to his interviewer, "Young man, why would I
feel like a failure? And why would I ever give up? I now know definitively over
9,000 ways that an electric light bulb will not work. Success is almost in my
grasp."
For some, continuously assuming the best scenario is like a
repeated mantra of motivating thoughts that contributes to success. In
addition, there are basic assumptions we make daily that fortunately can protect
us from worry and panic. Do you not assume that your alarm will ring in the
morning? That you will make it to your destination when you sit in a car? That
the elevator doors will open when it arrives on your floor? Do you not assume
your spouse will come home to you? That your children will be waiting for you
when you pick them up from school? Do you not assume you will have the same job
waiting for you when you arrive to work? These types of assumptions may be
necessary otherwise we would drive our selves crazy!
It is the negative
assumptions and judgments we make on a subconscious level that are the ones to
fear because they are just as powerful and potent as the positive assumptions
are, only they break you rather than build you.
There are judgments we
make of others like thinking an elderly man has bad hearing, or a woman
showered in brand name couture clothing is self-absorbed, or a person with a heavy
accent is not likely to be very educated. Haven’t you ever met a person of a
specific ethnicity and judged them based on your previous experiences with
others from the same culture? Sadly, we often pass judgments without intention.
The next time you are somewhere with the opportunity to people watch, ask
yourself what the first descriptive word is that comes to your mind about each
person that passes. I have done it while at the gym and as nice as a person as I think
I am, my brain popped out descriptions like “fat, ugly, dorky and self-absorbed”!
If you start paying attention, you will recognize that you are judging
everything and everyone all the time.
Then there are judgments
we think others are making of us. Have
you ever misinterpreted the actions or words of a close friend and the
relationship slowly deteriorated because of it? Have you ever opted not to
pursue an attraction with someone because you assumed they did not share your
feelings? Have you ever struggled to build a rapport with a business associate because
you felt they did not respect you or understand your value? What did you lose
or risk losing consequently? In my own
life I have realized that every time I allowed myself to believe that others
were judging me negatively, though I was not cognizant of it, my actions were
driven by these thoughts. Sadly, the consequences were that I proved myself
correct.
With all this said, the worst judgments of all are not the
ones we make of others or the ones we think others are making of us. The
deadliest judgments of all are the ones we make of ourselves. The unfavorable
judgments we have allowed ourselves to accept and permanently adopt into our
core beliefs for our self- image are the ones that are most damaging. They are the ones with the potential to
deteriorate our relationships and family life. They are the ones that limit our
potential and opportunities to reach our goals. They are the ones that drive us
to relief through overindulgence of food, alcohol, drugs or other forms of
escape. They are the ones that hold us back from empowering ourselves and
taking advantage of our natural talents. They are the ones that hinder us from
progressing in our careers. They are the ones that are detrimental to our
confidence level, our sense of self-worth, our capability in caring for others
and our capacity to love ourselves.
Without awareness these harsh judgments are weaved into our
spirits, weakening us, robbing us of joy and preventing us from living up to
our true potential. It is what confines us within our own closed mind, trapping
us into feeling uncomfortable with whom we have become and feeling separated
from who we would like to be. Exercising the awareness of when you are making
an assumption can be incredibly empowering. The moment you feel down, agitated
or angry ask yourself why you are
feeling that way. I’m willing to bet that eight times out of ten it will lead
to an assumption you have made. Our emotions are bound by our thoughts and our
thoughts are highly directed by the assumptions we make. If you’re going to
make an assumption, make it one that builds you not breaks you. I read
somewhere once that the mind is only capable of thinking a negative thought OR
a positive thought. It cannot think a positive and negative thought at the same
time. Whenever I feel unhappy I will question myself why until I get to the
assumption that has sparked the flame of negative thoughts. Life is too short
to live a life of untruths and tall tales we tell ourselves. “There are two
times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it,
and when he can.” -Mark Twain
Life’s objective is to offer us experiences, allow it don’t
challenge it. Empower your heart. Fill it with the best of assumptions. Be open
to the truth or better yet, create your own truth! Ruth Hubbard once said, “Every
theory is a self-fulfilling prophecy”.
The morning sun can only pour through a window and illuminate
a dim room if you keep the shades open. Closing the blinds will block the light
from ever shining through.
