Daddy's Stroke & His Stroke of Genuius

I visited my parents last night. I was a couple days overdue visiting dad, I think it had been over a week which I feel badly about because after a few days he starts to ask for me. It’s harder to visit with him now being that he can’t walk, it’s not like I can meet him at the local Starbucks for a cup of coffee.  He has been stuck in a chair for the past few years… My dad had a stroke in October of 2008.

When I walked into the room I could tell immediately today was semi-grouch day. He has his good days where he is all lovey-dovey and laughs easily when you try to amuse him. Then he has full grouch days where he is just tough to be around because he is uncomfortable and not feeling well (luckily he rarely has these days). Tonight he was semi-grouch: He won’t be easy to entertain but he will attempt to be as pleasant as possible given he is short of breath, has some discomfort and is hungry but has no appetite.

I held a print out of the last blog entry I had written in my hand as I kissed him hello. I have been reading my blog entries to my parents since they don’t use a computer and leaving a paper copy for my mom to keep. Fortunately, they have really enjoyed what I have written so far. The last time I was there dad was in his lovey-dovey mode and he made me cry (if you know me, you know I HATE openly crying) when he told me how proud he was of me. “Every minute of every day I have been proud of you” he said, as he sat, legs lifeless, in his chair. Even mom couldn’t hold back her tears as she escaped the room in an attempt to maintain her tough exterior. Hmm, I wonder where I get my need to shield myself from vulnerability!

Dad’s stroke robbed him of his short term memory so he may ask a question and then immediately repeat his question because he has already forgotten he has asked it. This could continue several times…maybe only 3-5… if you’re lucky!

 I read mom and dad the last blog entry I had written about making assumptions in life. When I finished reading dad asked, “What is the subject of your writing?”. I quickly explained that I had written about how making assumptions can affect your life in many ways. He then inquisitively repeated his question, “What is the subject of your writing?”. I thought to myself, Oh no! Here we go with the relentless deja-vu questioning! I took a deep breath and reminded myself to be patient. After my methodical pause I responded “I’m just writing on various topics because I like to write”. Dad’s mind seemed to linger for a few moments before he was overcome with a look of anguish and confusion. He was quite apparently agitated as he searched desperately for clarity, his mind not allowing him to comprehend what I was saying nor to hold on to my words for more than three seconds. Painfully for both of us, he asked me a third time “So what is the subject of your writing?”.

My stomach turned and I felt a stabbing sensation near my heart as I was flooded with memories of my daddy playing with me at the park when I was four, his recollections of running after me in the mall when I had just learned to walk for fear that someone may accidently hit me with their cigarette bud, sitting at the kitchen counter watching him make me some interesting concoction for lunch and attempting to get me more interested in politics and the daily state of the economy. My mind reeled with memories, my heart aching with a feeling of loss. Is this what it has come to? Can I not even have a simple conversation with my father anymore?!

 “Breath, breath, breath”, I told myself, “It will be ok. It will have to be ok. There is no other solution but to breathe patience and strength in right now”. And so I took that deep breath and tried to stay focused on answering his question. After several minutes of him waiting impatiently, his irritation growing, I said “Daddy, I have been writing because I really enjoy writing. The subject of what I write doesn’t always matter. The reason I am writing is because I am hoping to make someone laugh or make them think or make them feel. These days, sometimes people are so busy and consumed they forget to feel. I’m hoping to inspire someone, in any way that will make them better or stronger or happier.  And if I really hit the jackpot, I will make a few people do all of those things.”

He finally had a look of understanding as he smiled slightly.  He exhaled a breath of satisfaction and stared straight ahead for a few moments. He then turned to me and asked, as if for the first time, “So what is the subject of your writing?”. I smiled at his question. Though I had been defeated in getting him to fully grasp my response, he had triumphed in pressuring me to give him a response that was worthy of his question and was completely from my heart.

Since I knew his short term memory was our enemy at that moment, I pulled out a long-term memory from my back pocket. “Daddy?” I asked, “Do you remember when Talayeh and I were little you used to do this magic trick with candy, hiding the candy in your fist and asking us to guess which fist it was hiding in? Do you remember the song you would sing during your trick? Eenie meenie miney moe, here the magic goes to and fro, where’s the candy… do you know?!”

He immediately remembered this shared memory we had. He laughed a deep belly laugh. We laughed together. I kissed him tenderly and gazed into his green jewel-like eyes. God, he is so full of love! I love him so much.

My dad’s stroke has helped me realize a few important things. It has made me realize that sometimes when we are searching for answers within ourselves we might have to repeat the question several times until we get the real answer, until we get to our truth. It reminds me that patience is a strength that comes not from our minds, but our hearts. It reminds me that love makes even the really bad things feel better.

Daddy, I wish you had never had that stupid *#@&’ing  stroke!  I know you were probably faced with a dilemma on how to continue to guide your daughters when your mind became an impediment. But given that you have lost much of your cognition, you still know that the best way to advise and direct is is to guide us with your heart. And that, I consider a stroke of genius. 

The Deadliest Judgment

When I was in the seventh grade, my PE teacher assumed since I didn’t show much enthusiasm for any of the sports we had played all season, that I had no talent when it came to any physical sport or activity. At the tail end of the year, once we had completed basketball, volleyball, soccer and flag football we had a short course in dance. I never dedicated any patience to learning the physical sports we had played that season and apparently I did not have an inherent talent for any of them. So when it came to dance, my PE teacher decided based upon her assumptions, that I should perform in the back of the group where I would barely be seen.  For every sport we played, we were given a month for practice before we played a final championship game. However, for dance, we had only one week to practice a choreographed routine that we were to perform at an annual show where all parents would be invited.

My PE teacher was built with an athletic body; she was tall, muscular and had over sized strong hands. She was rough, tough and didn’t hold an ounce of grace so my theory is she didn’t like dance because she probably couldn’t dance worth shit. And so she stood at the front of the room moving about like an awkward chicken trying to teach us the choreography. One week had hardly been enough time to learn the steps and remember them, but for me, the moves almost seemed predictable given the beat of the music.

The evening of the ceremony arrived all too soon and I remember my PE teacher’s face turning beet red when the music began and no two of her dancers were in harmony. Not one of the girls remembered the steps and their facial expressions were plagued with humiliation as they moved about clumsily. I was in my own little world in the back of that room where I may as well have closed my eyes and pretended to be the star dancer in a famous Broadway show. With every beat of the music my body swayed on cue and I felt completely present in the moment. That was until my stupid PE teacher screeched in panic, hollering to me “Get in the front, get in the front!!” I scurried to the front of the line as the other girls succumbed to moving behind me as I took the lead. My overly anxious teacher seemed to find some relief as she instructed the girls behind me “follow her moves, just keep your eyes on her!” Before I knew it I was leading the whole team.  It was me, the one who throughout the school year had held the demeaning role of the girl waiting on the sidelines to be chosen on a team, was now their leader.  My PE teacher, the girls… their dignity was all at my mercy. And it felt damn good!

My PE teacher looked at me in awe, shocked in realizing that I had a talent for dance. She had that look on her face that said “hmph, who knew?!”  She had done herself an injustice by making an assumption and judging me without giving me a proper chance. As a seventh grader I hated my PE teacher because she made me feel like I deserved to be the last one chosen on a team, like I deserved to dance  in the back of the room when I didn’t. I’ll admit I still dislike that teacher because she played a role in making a difficult phase of life more difficult for me.  At a time when I, like most other 12 year olds, was forming opinions about myself, this woman had the opportunity to motivate and inspire me in being open to learning new things, to practice more and to become acquainted with my own natural talents. Instead she caged me within the confines of her own ignorance. The respect I held for teachers backfired on me as I allowed her assumptions to mold judgments placed upon me, judgments that I subconsciously was adopting for myself.  I am proud that at the end of the school year I was able to prove her wrong and I would hope that through that experience she learned her lesson about making assumptions, but I know she probably didn’t.

Will any of us ever learn our lesson when it comes to making assumptions? We do it all day and night long. With every breath you take, you assume the next breath will come. The greatest irony lies in that most of us have not learned to recognize the influential moment our mind has made an assumption and we remain unaware of its powerful force.

Expecting a specific consequence from a particular action is a learned response over time. It is with humans as it is with animals. I found a particular test scientists did on mice very interesting. The mice were caged and cheese was placed outside their cage. Once their trap door was opened, they would run for the cheese but were stopped in their tracks by a small current of electricity. This test was repeated over and over for several weeks. At some point the scientists stopped the electrical current but the mice no longer ran for the cheese when their trap door was opened. They would remain in their cage for fear of being shocked.

Most people, just like these mice, are conditioned to accept that several repeated failures make future failures highly probable. However, a distinguishing characteristic of successful people is that they do not allow their mind to make such an assumption. Thomas Edison reportedly made 10,000 attempts before he invented the light bulb. In an interview before he reached success he was quoted to say to his interviewer, "Young man, why would I feel like a failure? And why would I ever give up? I now know definitively over 9,000 ways that an electric light bulb will not work. Success is almost in my grasp."

For some, continuously assuming the best scenario is like a repeated mantra of motivating thoughts that contributes to success. In addition, there are basic assumptions we make daily that fortunately can protect us from worry and panic. Do you not assume that your alarm will ring in the morning? That you will make it to your destination when you sit in a car? That the elevator doors will open when it arrives on your floor? Do you not assume your spouse will come home to you? That your children will be waiting for you when you pick them up from school? Do you not assume you will have the same job waiting for you when you arrive to work? These types of assumptions may be necessary otherwise we would drive our selves crazy!

It is the negative assumptions and judgments we make on a subconscious level that are the ones to fear because they are just as powerful and potent as the positive assumptions are, only they break you rather than build you.

There are judgments we make of others like thinking an elderly man has bad hearing, or a woman showered in brand name couture clothing is self-absorbed, or a person with a heavy accent is not likely to be very educated. Haven’t you ever met a person of a specific ethnicity and judged them based on your previous experiences with others from the same culture? Sadly, we often pass judgments without intention. The next time you are somewhere with the opportunity to people watch, ask yourself what the first descriptive word is that comes to your mind about each person that passes. I have done it while at the gym and as nice as a person as I think I am, my brain popped out descriptions like “fat, ugly, dorky and self-absorbed”! If you start paying attention, you will recognize that you are judging everything and everyone all the time. 

Then there are judgments we think others are making of us.  Have you ever misinterpreted the actions or words of a close friend and the relationship slowly deteriorated because of it? Have you ever opted not to pursue an attraction with someone because you assumed they did not share your feelings? Have you ever struggled to build a rapport with a business associate because you felt they did not respect you or understand your value? What did you lose or risk losing consequently?  In my own life I have realized that every time I allowed myself to believe that others were judging me negatively, though I was not cognizant of it, my actions were driven by these thoughts. Sadly, the consequences were that I proved myself correct.

With all this said, the worst judgments of all are not the ones we make of others or the ones we think others are making of us. The deadliest judgments of all are the ones we make of ourselves. The unfavorable judgments we have allowed ourselves to accept and permanently adopt into our core beliefs for our self- image are the ones that are most damaging.  They are the ones with the potential to deteriorate our relationships and family life. They are the ones that limit our potential and opportunities to reach our goals. They are the ones that drive us to relief through overindulgence of food, alcohol, drugs or other forms of escape. They are the ones that hold us back from empowering ourselves and taking advantage of our natural talents. They are the ones that hinder us from progressing in our careers. They are the ones that are detrimental to our confidence level, our sense of self-worth, our capability in caring for others and our capacity to love ourselves. 

Without awareness these harsh judgments are weaved into our spirits, weakening us, robbing us of joy and preventing us from living up to our true potential. It is what confines us within our own closed mind, trapping us into feeling uncomfortable with whom we have become and feeling separated from who we would like to be. Exercising the awareness of when you are making an assumption can be incredibly empowering. The moment you feel down, agitated or angry ask yourself why you are feeling that way. I’m willing to bet that eight times out of ten it will lead to an assumption you have made. Our emotions are bound by our thoughts and our thoughts are highly directed by the assumptions we make. If you’re going to make an assumption, make it one that builds you not breaks you. I read somewhere once that the mind is only capable of thinking a negative thought OR a positive thought. It cannot think a positive and negative thought at the same time. Whenever I feel unhappy I will question myself why until I get to the assumption that has sparked the flame of negative thoughts. Life is too short to live a life of untruths and tall tales we tell ourselves.  “There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can.” -Mark Twain

Life’s objective is to offer us experiences, allow it don’t challenge it. Empower your heart. Fill it with the best of assumptions. Be open to the truth or better yet, create your own truth! Ruth Hubbard once said, “Every theory is a self-fulfilling prophecy”.  

The morning sun can only pour through a window and illuminate a dim room if you keep the shades open. Closing the blinds will block the light from ever shining through.

 

She Stands Tall

She stands tall, gracious and dignified

She is flexible, swaying slightly with life’s breezes

But her roots are unquestionably planted deep

They tell a story, rich with history and filled with life’s mysteries

She is full of life, the center to all that surround her

She provides to the cycle of life and yet does not request in return

She is the work of something greater than mankind

Not only does she survive the storms, but her beauty manifests from it

With very little, she stands the test of time and is a window to the seasons of life

And yet, with all her strength and beauty and her mighty presence, she is completely powerless to the hands of anyone unappreciative of her

She is a Tree

If only she could form wings

Or indestructible armor

If only she could make a chainsaw disappear

Or bring the man holding it to his knees with guilt

If only she could widen eyes blinded

To see the canvas she has painted for them, rich with vibrant colors that extend out like rays of the sun

Reaching to touch their hearts and fill their spirits with joy and tranquility

If only she could, but,

She is a Tree

 

I wrote this poem after a particular director of our homeowners association ordered the landscaping company in our community to chop down beautiful, mature trees that lined the green hills to my home.  I have such an affinity and respect for nature as I feel it magically holds the essence of peace and tranquility. It pained me greatly to know that others had such careless disregard for the beautiful gifts this world holds for us.  It saddened me even more to know that there are people whose meaningless priorities have robbed them from the simple pleasures of life.

From time to time I would sit under that tree with my two large Chow Chow dogs. I would breathe in the fresh air and close my eyes to heighten the sensation of the cool breeze caressing my skin. With my eyes closed, I felt secure under this tree as it shaded me from the sun while the amazing blessings in my life rushed through my mind. It would feel so serene.

I couldn't help but think of the foreign business partners that came to California for the first time when visiting my husband on business. My husband had hosted their visit, taking them to every scenic place he could think of. He described to me the wonderment in their expression when he took them to see the ocean. They had never seen the ocean before and they were mesmerized by the beauty. They were envious of such things we completely take for granted, such as our weather and the fresh air, being that they came from a place where sewer smells are something you become accustomed to as you do with snow and temperatures below zero. He said they had tears in their eyes when they left.

If I could stop myself several times a day I could just close my eyes and feel the amazement of how lucky I am to live where I do. I don't necessarily need to be sitting under that beautiful tree to have those wonderful feelings. But I must say, sitting under that tree I learned to enjoy the beauty that surrounds me. Nature can provide so much healing and peace. We are a part of nature as it is a part of us. We are connected to it, whether we know it or not. Nature and many things derived from it often heal and protect us. In turn, it would be nice if we could return the favor.

The Decision Has Been Made!

The Decision Has Been Made!

My husband once was frustrated with me for procrastinating in making an important decision. He told me “By not making a decision, the decision has already been made”.  My husband is an extremely intelligent man but somehow I hadn’t expected him to say something so enlightening. He is a very logical person and when I take a step back to look at his ways, I see that his decision making process is quite different than mine. His always comes from a place of logic, mine without exception, from a place of emotion. And when I find myself in a situation where I must make a decision that does not make me emotionally happy, I tend to pretend that I will make a decision. I actually do a very good job of pretending, in fact I pretend so well that I even believe myself. I procrastinate and contrive great reasons for putting off my decision until unfortunately it’s too late and my choices have been taken away. It’s like saving milk in the refrigerator…the carton looks good so you ignore the expiration date but there is no mistaking expired milk, sour and disgusting. That’s when you know, time’s up! You had your chance to make a choice and now those choices have been taken away and what’s left could be quite undesirable.

Given this knowledge one might think that I would be much more gung-ho in the opportunity to finalize decisions, but the truth is, I think I am often paralyzed by the fear of making a regrettable mistake. I am just now coming to terms with the fact that the purpose of life is to make mistakes. How else can we learn? How else can we progress? How else can we appreciate when everything does go “right” (whatever “right” is!)? I’m just going to have to throw away the notion that a mistake made is something to regret. And I will have to blindfold my ego when making choices because she has a way of bullying me into falsely believing that mistakes are simply an insult to me and to her.

They say women eventually become like their mothers and guess what? My mother doesn’t like making decisions either.   She tenses up even at the thought of deciding to use yellow versus spicy mustard on a hotdog so I guess they weren’t kidding when they said the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree! Sorry mom, I will go into your wonderful attributes later but I promised myself and others to keep my writing honest and authentic.

Freeze, Command, Choose, Walk. These are the four words now that I use when faced with a decision. If there is a decision you need to make that has been looming over your head like a dark cloud, give this a try. It just might help …

Freeze! Stop where you are and realize that you must make a decision. Understand clearly that if you don’t make a decision you are in reality deciding to not make a choice, and therefore, a choice will be made for you.

Command yourself to go through a logical process of making a choice. I like the word command because it reminds me that I am taking control and not allowing choices to slip through my fingers. Imagine choice A happening versus choice B (and possibly other choices). Imagine the results and consequences of those choices, weigh them against each other and make a conscious note of which is right for you.         

In my husband’s case he would probably choose the option that makes the most sense and I would probably make the choice that makes me feel happier. And by the way, don’t ignore that strange feeling that is gnawing on you like a dog does on his bone. That feeling is called Instinct. It is an especially amazing gift that will always lead you in the right direction once you know how to truly listen to it.

Choose your option. Say it out loud. I am choosing to… xyz. This will make your choice clear and concise.

Walk forward and do not look back. You have made your choice, go with it and trust in yourself. What is so important here is to tell yourself it is going to be ok. If consequences slowly present themselves as not being in line with what you had intended, you can always consciously choose to make another choice! There it is, the beauty of it all, YOU are the one in control. And if you feel you made a mistake, then you have to forgive yourself because you made the best decision you could with the information at hand.

Whenever I slip back into that fearful mode, I remind myself that I rather take the bulls by the horn rather than the bull shoving his horns up my….well you know what I mean! I am making light of all of this but sometimes it isn’t funny at all. Some decisions are so difficult to make because many different factors have to be taken into account and many people may be affected by the results. But the cold hard truth of the matter is there is a difference between choosing to take your time in making a decision and pretending like you have valid reasons for not making a choice. 

Life is just a constant series of choices presented. Think about it, from the second you wake up until the moment you lay your head on the pillow, how many decisions did you have to make? It is constant, from simple choices with insignificant consequences to huge choices that can be life altering. If we have to go through life fearing making choices, fearing making mistakes and fearing regret then life will be a lot more stressful than it already is. Sometimes life takes charge and makes choices for us, in an instant, like when tragedy hits. A college friend of mine was recently tragically killed in a car accident. Although I was not very close to him, I think of him now quite often. His journey ending so hastily is a constant reminder of time fleeting. I don’t want to waste my brief time here fearing my choices. I want to charge forward in life, enjoying my journey, believing in myself and growing as a person. And if I am going to have to make mistakes along the way for that to happen then so be it! Whatever I feel may have been a “bad” choice will only be a tattoo of strength and courage I will wear with pride. Besides, what really is a “bad” choice anyways?  One of my favorite quotes is by William Shakespeare, “There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so”.

Do Not Stop, For Emergencies Only

Do Not Stop, For Emergencies Only

When I drove by this traffic sign this morning, I could not help but think that this describes the mentality of most women I know today: Do Not Stop, For Emergencies Only. Could it very possibly be the subconscious mantra of today's American woman? If you are a man reading this don't get discouraged, if you continue reading you will either get a good laugh at our expense or you may actually learn something about the species you find so desirable and intolerable at the same time.

Women can't seem to put on the brakes lately, or even cruise in neutral for that matter! The general mentality of American women today is GO, GO, GO! There is always so much we need to do. Which, by the way I challenge you to review and compare the definitions of these two words, then, revisit that "to-do" list of yours and clarify which ones you need to do versus which ones you want to do!  AND with all that "needs" to be done, we need to be perfect at it all! We need to be the perfect mothers to our children, the perfect employee or business owner, the perfect wife, girlfriend, lover, friend, the perfect children to our parents. If we stop, I'm sure most of us women feel the world will end as we know it, because who is going to pick up the slack? I'm biting my tongue here in case testosterone is flowing through my reader but I think a woman would know where I'm going with this! And no, I am not PMS'ing...why is it that every time a woman offers an opinion that a man doesn't like he asks if she is PMS'ing?!!

We are attempting to bulldoze through life lately, continuously marching on through raising children in a confusing society, maintaining healthy relationships while everyone is earning emotional baggage by the minute, and taking care of aging parents during a time when we ourselves are being stretched physically and emotionally in so many directions. We have to constantly be progressing in our careers or making money through entrepreneurial channels to maintain our independence, significance and livelihood. And all the while, don't forget, we need to stay healthy, fit and attractive because as a woman we are still initially judged by our looks. Well, in reality, I will be the first to admit that we judge ourselves more than anyone else does.

If all this wasn't enough, our expectations are monumental in being eager to constantly improve ourselves spiritually, mentally and physically. Woman typically are harder on themselves than anyone else would be. Is it not frequently that you hear a woman say things like "I need to lose weight,  I need to spend more quality time with my children, I need to be more desirable to my husband, I need to keep the house cleaner, I need to make more money"? If you are a man, you may not hear a woman actually say this but instead you may see her act grouchy, lash out for the tiniest thing or she may criticize you. The truth is women sometimes act intolerable to mask feelings of inadequacy and hurt that we impose upon ourselves.

So I am going to give away my age here, (but I was young...very VERY young!!), when a TV commercial for a perfume called Enjolie came out. The tune to that commercial to this day still rings in my ears when I am embraced with the "I can do it all!" feeling. The lyrics went like this:

I can put the wash on the line,

Feed the kids, get dressed,

pass out the kisses

and get to work by five to nine.

I can bring home the bacon,

fry it up in a pan

and never, never, never let you forget your a man.......cause I'm a woman.....Enjoli.

I think those lyrics sum it all up, wouldn't you say? What is it that makes women in today's society feel they NEED to do everything and do it PERFECTLY? What are we trying to prove?! Would we ever be so harsh on anyone as we are to ourselves? There will be no time to breath, you can not stop, unless there is an emergency. And that emergency amounts to being physically worn down. That is the point where your body shuts down and is pretty much yelling at you saying "Hey lady! Enough is enough already!! Slow the $%# down!"

I smirk at myself as I write this and glance over to a notepad where I had jotted down a list of things I think I should be doing to improve my life as I was feeling very disappointed in myself for my recent lack of follow through. Ironically it is titled "Being Perfect"! Apparently I am no different. Is it not in flaws and imperfections that beauty is found? Oh oh, that 21st century voice in my head just shouted in response "Not in this world, Sista!!"...and somehow I think she did a three-snaps up in z-formation while she said that!

Maybe it is just in a woman's nature to be this way. We were created with an inherent desire and ability to nurture, to take care of those around us. Inherently for men, this is precisely one of the characteristics that draws them to women. And if a man has one up on all his buddies, he knows that a way to a woman's heart is to nurture and take care of her. I don't care how big of a feminist you are, deep down inside there is a warmth that fills the female soul when she feels she is appreciated for all that she does, that she is desired, that she is loved and that she is cared for.

Elizabeth Gould Davis was quoted to say: "To the "feminist" of both sexes, femininity is synonymous with the eternal female principle, connoting strength, integrity, wisdom, justice, dependability, and a psychic power foreign and therefore dangerous to the plodding masculists of both sexes."

For every woman (and man) who dedicates their life to adhering to these principles, I applaud you. In the same breath, I would like to say that I think we all need to be reminded to forgive ourselves for not being perfect once in a while. Maybe we could forgive ourselves for sending our child off to school with a tiny stain on their shirt for one day. What is more important is that they feel loved and protected. Maybe we can forgive oursleves for earning those pesty fine lines around our eyes. Instead maybe we could praise ourselves in the mirror in gratitude of being in this world for another day.  Maybe we can excuse ourselves for being too tired when our other half was very indiscreetly fantasizing that we were his favorite Victoria Secret model. What's more important is that on the toughest days you and your better half can still find ways to laugh together.

All I'm saying is....Don't wait for the emergency, it's ok to stop once in a while.

      

The Fallen Forest Tree & Self Expression

"If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" This is a question that has been asked by many philosophers over time, beginning as early as the 1600s. Now, though I am no philosopher (but just a woman sitting at a computer in my cubicle of an advertising agency), I am pondering this question and how it relates to self-expression. Ok, so you are probably asking now, "How in the world does this tree falling philosophical question have anything to do with self-expression?"  It has led me to ask this : "If an artist creates for purposes of self-expression and that art is never shared, then has the artist self-expressed?"

I just watched Steve Job's Stanford Commencement Speech from 2005 on YouTube. I had heard it before, several times in fact, but this time something resonated. Actually it was more like Steve Jobs stretched out of the computer monitor and slapped me across the face, driving me straight into an epiphany.

Amongst the many great things he said, I saddened when I heard him say, "You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle."

I wanted to start crying. My heart ached at these words as "DON'T SETTLE" kept repeating in my ears like an annoying repetitive techno song. I felt emotional because he had struck my chord of pain. He had said the words my subconscious has been saying to me all my life but I keep kicking her to the back of the room because what she was pestering me to do was too difficult...too challenging...too scary. Still, finding my passion has been a hunger in the depths of my stomach that has never been satisfied. It has always led me into restlessness and annoyance of myself for not really knowing what my true passion is. If I knew my passion then maybe I could follow it, become really good at it and make a lot of money off of it. "What kind of person doesn't know what they love to do?", I ask myself in disgust! So I would think it through and it would go something like this...."well I love to dance but that's only when I can dance to the music I like and do my own thing. When I'm asked to follow choreography my brain shuts down and I have two left feet. I love to sing but that's only good for me and my car because anyone else may consider it a punishment to have to listen to me for more than 30 seconds. I love helping people but I'm also impatient so it probably wouldn't be a good idea to work with old people or children"... and so it would go on and on this way as I would beat up my initial idea to a pulp with a bat that was my over thinking brain.

Being that when I listened to the Jobs speech this last time I was at work (on a break of course), and I wanted desperately to know what it is I love to do, but didn't have the time to ponder on it, I simply wrote this to my friend at work who had sent me the link in the first place:

From: Madison Emami
Sent: Monday, August 20, 2012 1:56 PM
To: Shirin

Subject: Thanks Shirin, you led me to think this.... 

Steve Jobs said, “You have to find what you love”. This is something I have struggled with all my life. He also said “ follow your curiosity, follow your intuition”…so without thinking I answer the question: what is it that I love? 

I LOVE SELF EXPRESSION 

I LOVE MUSIC

I LOVE DANCE

I LOVE WRITING

I LOVE SINGING 

I love all the things that are best when someone is courageous enough to put out their heart, splatter it all over for the world to see. Vulnerability is at the core of true self- expression and is absolutely precious. 

Everything I love most is a form of self-expression. 

Self -expression frees the soul. It connects everyone and everything. But most importantly, it connects us to our highest self and to our divinity.

 

Woah!! Where the heck did that come from?!! There it was...simple and to the point. There was nothing to beat it up with. There were no excuses, no hundreds of questions waiting like armed soldiers to kill it down. The answer was there staring right at me after years of searching for it. For the first time I answered the question of what it is I love because I did not connect it to further questions of what I would do with these interests or how I would make money off these interests. I simply stated what it is I love. That's it. As plain as vanilla ice cream only I felt like there was a fusion of chunks of brownies, snickers and peanut butter goodies hiding inside.

 

As a child I loved to read and to write. I wrote sporadically, sometimes grabbing the first thing I could write on like a chewing gum wrapper or a napkin so I could scribble down the words released in my head by some inspiration. The words always came to me like waves of water from a released damn. Now as an adult (am I really an adult now? shit!) I still write when inspiration hits. I love to write poetry and song lyrics. And what I remember most about writing was that as soon as I finished writing I would immediately want to share it with someone. It really didn't matter who I shared it with. I just wanted to make someone feel the way I did when I read it. Unfortunately, I never received the enthusiasm I was longing for by my readers. Don't get me wrong, everyone always said it was really good or that I should do something with my writing, but no one ever really had that look on their face that said "Wow, you just really moved me!" And so, I questioned myself. I wondered if I was really ever that good of a writer. I wondered why the heck I had to run and show off my writing to people who wouldn't understand it or wouldn't appreciate it or wouldn't praise it the way I wanted them to. For a long while it made me write much less. And then when I did write, I tried very hard not to share it.

 

So now I'm back to that moment when I came across the question I always found intriguing "If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" That is when I wondered to myself, "If  I am inspired to write and yet never share my work, then did my writing ever really exist? And if it did exist, what good would it be?"

 

I recognize now that for whatever odd reason, I have a wild hunger, an undeniable desire for self expression. This is why I write. I need to escape the cage that society sometimes traps us in. Everyone has their own way of releasing themselves from this cage, I do it by writing. This could ring true for any art form or passion in life. It can be true for a painter, a dancer, a software programmer, an architect, an inventor...if you do not make use of or share with others what drives you, then you are stifling your true passion.

 

So then came my epiphany: If I am writing to self-express and yet I do not share what I have wrote, then have I truly expressed myself? I think not! That's when Mr. Job's welcomed slap in the face made me exclaim to myself "WRITE!!" I know deep down in my gut that I was meant to write. You may like what I write and you may not. But as my coworker emphasized to me after my email to her, it doesn't matter if what I write touches everyone the way I hope it would. What is most important is that I have expressed myself and shared my passion. I have given myself the opportunity to feel the amazing rush of invoking someones emotion.  If I happen to touch just one person in either a profound or simple way, then it will be an incredible gift to my soul.

 

From now on, I will continue to write and share my heart. My words will be raw as I will continue to put myself in a place of vulnerability. I will do this for both myself and my reader. It will be the price I pay to follow my passion, to never settle for less than that which makes me feel joy. I will  courageously splatter my heart in pieces amongst your feet in hopes that you shall pick up a piece. If you are kind enough to do so, I hope it shines brightly in your hands and directs you to your true passion.