Daddy's Stroke & His Stroke of Genuius

I visited my parents last night. I was a couple days overdue visiting dad, I think it had been over a week which I feel badly about because after a few days he starts to ask for me. It’s harder to visit with him now being that he can’t walk, it’s not like I can meet him at the local Starbucks for a cup of coffee.  He has been stuck in a chair for the past few years… My dad had a stroke in October of 2008.

When I walked into the room I could tell immediately today was semi-grouch day. He has his good days where he is all lovey-dovey and laughs easily when you try to amuse him. Then he has full grouch days where he is just tough to be around because he is uncomfortable and not feeling well (luckily he rarely has these days). Tonight he was semi-grouch: He won’t be easy to entertain but he will attempt to be as pleasant as possible given he is short of breath, has some discomfort and is hungry but has no appetite.

I held a print out of the last blog entry I had written in my hand as I kissed him hello. I have been reading my blog entries to my parents since they don’t use a computer and leaving a paper copy for my mom to keep. Fortunately, they have really enjoyed what I have written so far. The last time I was there dad was in his lovey-dovey mode and he made me cry (if you know me, you know I HATE openly crying) when he told me how proud he was of me. “Every minute of every day I have been proud of you” he said, as he sat, legs lifeless, in his chair. Even mom couldn’t hold back her tears as she escaped the room in an attempt to maintain her tough exterior. Hmm, I wonder where I get my need to shield myself from vulnerability!

Dad’s stroke robbed him of his short term memory so he may ask a question and then immediately repeat his question because he has already forgotten he has asked it. This could continue several times…maybe only 3-5… if you’re lucky!

 I read mom and dad the last blog entry I had written about making assumptions in life. When I finished reading dad asked, “What is the subject of your writing?”. I quickly explained that I had written about how making assumptions can affect your life in many ways. He then inquisitively repeated his question, “What is the subject of your writing?”. I thought to myself, Oh no! Here we go with the relentless deja-vu questioning! I took a deep breath and reminded myself to be patient. After my methodical pause I responded “I’m just writing on various topics because I like to write”. Dad’s mind seemed to linger for a few moments before he was overcome with a look of anguish and confusion. He was quite apparently agitated as he searched desperately for clarity, his mind not allowing him to comprehend what I was saying nor to hold on to my words for more than three seconds. Painfully for both of us, he asked me a third time “So what is the subject of your writing?”.

My stomach turned and I felt a stabbing sensation near my heart as I was flooded with memories of my daddy playing with me at the park when I was four, his recollections of running after me in the mall when I had just learned to walk for fear that someone may accidently hit me with their cigarette bud, sitting at the kitchen counter watching him make me some interesting concoction for lunch and attempting to get me more interested in politics and the daily state of the economy. My mind reeled with memories, my heart aching with a feeling of loss. Is this what it has come to? Can I not even have a simple conversation with my father anymore?!

 “Breath, breath, breath”, I told myself, “It will be ok. It will have to be ok. There is no other solution but to breathe patience and strength in right now”. And so I took that deep breath and tried to stay focused on answering his question. After several minutes of him waiting impatiently, his irritation growing, I said “Daddy, I have been writing because I really enjoy writing. The subject of what I write doesn’t always matter. The reason I am writing is because I am hoping to make someone laugh or make them think or make them feel. These days, sometimes people are so busy and consumed they forget to feel. I’m hoping to inspire someone, in any way that will make them better or stronger or happier.  And if I really hit the jackpot, I will make a few people do all of those things.”

He finally had a look of understanding as he smiled slightly.  He exhaled a breath of satisfaction and stared straight ahead for a few moments. He then turned to me and asked, as if for the first time, “So what is the subject of your writing?”. I smiled at his question. Though I had been defeated in getting him to fully grasp my response, he had triumphed in pressuring me to give him a response that was worthy of his question and was completely from my heart.

Since I knew his short term memory was our enemy at that moment, I pulled out a long-term memory from my back pocket. “Daddy?” I asked, “Do you remember when Talayeh and I were little you used to do this magic trick with candy, hiding the candy in your fist and asking us to guess which fist it was hiding in? Do you remember the song you would sing during your trick? Eenie meenie miney moe, here the magic goes to and fro, where’s the candy… do you know?!”

He immediately remembered this shared memory we had. He laughed a deep belly laugh. We laughed together. I kissed him tenderly and gazed into his green jewel-like eyes. God, he is so full of love! I love him so much.

My dad’s stroke has helped me realize a few important things. It has made me realize that sometimes when we are searching for answers within ourselves we might have to repeat the question several times until we get the real answer, until we get to our truth. It reminds me that patience is a strength that comes not from our minds, but our hearts. It reminds me that love makes even the really bad things feel better.

Daddy, I wish you had never had that stupid *#@&’ing  stroke!  I know you were probably faced with a dilemma on how to continue to guide your daughters when your mind became an impediment. But given that you have lost much of your cognition, you still know that the best way to advise and direct is is to guide us with your heart. And that, I consider a stroke of genius. 

The Deadliest Judgment

When I was in the seventh grade, my PE teacher assumed since I didn’t show much enthusiasm for any of the sports we had played all season, that I had no talent when it came to any physical sport or activity. At the tail end of the year, once we had completed basketball, volleyball, soccer and flag football we had a short course in dance. I never dedicated any patience to learning the physical sports we had played that season and apparently I did not have an inherent talent for any of them. So when it came to dance, my PE teacher decided based upon her assumptions, that I should perform in the back of the group where I would barely be seen.  For every sport we played, we were given a month for practice before we played a final championship game. However, for dance, we had only one week to practice a choreographed routine that we were to perform at an annual show where all parents would be invited.

My PE teacher was built with an athletic body; she was tall, muscular and had over sized strong hands. She was rough, tough and didn’t hold an ounce of grace so my theory is she didn’t like dance because she probably couldn’t dance worth shit. And so she stood at the front of the room moving about like an awkward chicken trying to teach us the choreography. One week had hardly been enough time to learn the steps and remember them, but for me, the moves almost seemed predictable given the beat of the music.

The evening of the ceremony arrived all too soon and I remember my PE teacher’s face turning beet red when the music began and no two of her dancers were in harmony. Not one of the girls remembered the steps and their facial expressions were plagued with humiliation as they moved about clumsily. I was in my own little world in the back of that room where I may as well have closed my eyes and pretended to be the star dancer in a famous Broadway show. With every beat of the music my body swayed on cue and I felt completely present in the moment. That was until my stupid PE teacher screeched in panic, hollering to me “Get in the front, get in the front!!” I scurried to the front of the line as the other girls succumbed to moving behind me as I took the lead. My overly anxious teacher seemed to find some relief as she instructed the girls behind me “follow her moves, just keep your eyes on her!” Before I knew it I was leading the whole team.  It was me, the one who throughout the school year had held the demeaning role of the girl waiting on the sidelines to be chosen on a team, was now their leader.  My PE teacher, the girls… their dignity was all at my mercy. And it felt damn good!

My PE teacher looked at me in awe, shocked in realizing that I had a talent for dance. She had that look on her face that said “hmph, who knew?!”  She had done herself an injustice by making an assumption and judging me without giving me a proper chance. As a seventh grader I hated my PE teacher because she made me feel like I deserved to be the last one chosen on a team, like I deserved to dance  in the back of the room when I didn’t. I’ll admit I still dislike that teacher because she played a role in making a difficult phase of life more difficult for me.  At a time when I, like most other 12 year olds, was forming opinions about myself, this woman had the opportunity to motivate and inspire me in being open to learning new things, to practice more and to become acquainted with my own natural talents. Instead she caged me within the confines of her own ignorance. The respect I held for teachers backfired on me as I allowed her assumptions to mold judgments placed upon me, judgments that I subconsciously was adopting for myself.  I am proud that at the end of the school year I was able to prove her wrong and I would hope that through that experience she learned her lesson about making assumptions, but I know she probably didn’t.

Will any of us ever learn our lesson when it comes to making assumptions? We do it all day and night long. With every breath you take, you assume the next breath will come. The greatest irony lies in that most of us have not learned to recognize the influential moment our mind has made an assumption and we remain unaware of its powerful force.

Expecting a specific consequence from a particular action is a learned response over time. It is with humans as it is with animals. I found a particular test scientists did on mice very interesting. The mice were caged and cheese was placed outside their cage. Once their trap door was opened, they would run for the cheese but were stopped in their tracks by a small current of electricity. This test was repeated over and over for several weeks. At some point the scientists stopped the electrical current but the mice no longer ran for the cheese when their trap door was opened. They would remain in their cage for fear of being shocked.

Most people, just like these mice, are conditioned to accept that several repeated failures make future failures highly probable. However, a distinguishing characteristic of successful people is that they do not allow their mind to make such an assumption. Thomas Edison reportedly made 10,000 attempts before he invented the light bulb. In an interview before he reached success he was quoted to say to his interviewer, "Young man, why would I feel like a failure? And why would I ever give up? I now know definitively over 9,000 ways that an electric light bulb will not work. Success is almost in my grasp."

For some, continuously assuming the best scenario is like a repeated mantra of motivating thoughts that contributes to success. In addition, there are basic assumptions we make daily that fortunately can protect us from worry and panic. Do you not assume that your alarm will ring in the morning? That you will make it to your destination when you sit in a car? That the elevator doors will open when it arrives on your floor? Do you not assume your spouse will come home to you? That your children will be waiting for you when you pick them up from school? Do you not assume you will have the same job waiting for you when you arrive to work? These types of assumptions may be necessary otherwise we would drive our selves crazy!

It is the negative assumptions and judgments we make on a subconscious level that are the ones to fear because they are just as powerful and potent as the positive assumptions are, only they break you rather than build you.

There are judgments we make of others like thinking an elderly man has bad hearing, or a woman showered in brand name couture clothing is self-absorbed, or a person with a heavy accent is not likely to be very educated. Haven’t you ever met a person of a specific ethnicity and judged them based on your previous experiences with others from the same culture? Sadly, we often pass judgments without intention. The next time you are somewhere with the opportunity to people watch, ask yourself what the first descriptive word is that comes to your mind about each person that passes. I have done it while at the gym and as nice as a person as I think I am, my brain popped out descriptions like “fat, ugly, dorky and self-absorbed”! If you start paying attention, you will recognize that you are judging everything and everyone all the time. 

Then there are judgments we think others are making of us.  Have you ever misinterpreted the actions or words of a close friend and the relationship slowly deteriorated because of it? Have you ever opted not to pursue an attraction with someone because you assumed they did not share your feelings? Have you ever struggled to build a rapport with a business associate because you felt they did not respect you or understand your value? What did you lose or risk losing consequently?  In my own life I have realized that every time I allowed myself to believe that others were judging me negatively, though I was not cognizant of it, my actions were driven by these thoughts. Sadly, the consequences were that I proved myself correct.

With all this said, the worst judgments of all are not the ones we make of others or the ones we think others are making of us. The deadliest judgments of all are the ones we make of ourselves. The unfavorable judgments we have allowed ourselves to accept and permanently adopt into our core beliefs for our self- image are the ones that are most damaging.  They are the ones with the potential to deteriorate our relationships and family life. They are the ones that limit our potential and opportunities to reach our goals. They are the ones that drive us to relief through overindulgence of food, alcohol, drugs or other forms of escape. They are the ones that hold us back from empowering ourselves and taking advantage of our natural talents. They are the ones that hinder us from progressing in our careers. They are the ones that are detrimental to our confidence level, our sense of self-worth, our capability in caring for others and our capacity to love ourselves. 

Without awareness these harsh judgments are weaved into our spirits, weakening us, robbing us of joy and preventing us from living up to our true potential. It is what confines us within our own closed mind, trapping us into feeling uncomfortable with whom we have become and feeling separated from who we would like to be. Exercising the awareness of when you are making an assumption can be incredibly empowering. The moment you feel down, agitated or angry ask yourself why you are feeling that way. I’m willing to bet that eight times out of ten it will lead to an assumption you have made. Our emotions are bound by our thoughts and our thoughts are highly directed by the assumptions we make. If you’re going to make an assumption, make it one that builds you not breaks you. I read somewhere once that the mind is only capable of thinking a negative thought OR a positive thought. It cannot think a positive and negative thought at the same time. Whenever I feel unhappy I will question myself why until I get to the assumption that has sparked the flame of negative thoughts. Life is too short to live a life of untruths and tall tales we tell ourselves.  “There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can.” -Mark Twain

Life’s objective is to offer us experiences, allow it don’t challenge it. Empower your heart. Fill it with the best of assumptions. Be open to the truth or better yet, create your own truth! Ruth Hubbard once said, “Every theory is a self-fulfilling prophecy”.  

The morning sun can only pour through a window and illuminate a dim room if you keep the shades open. Closing the blinds will block the light from ever shining through.